Death Eludes us all.

No matter who we are with when we die. It's our ending, not theirs. Every one dies alone...

In a few days you will no longer be here with us.

Good luck on your closing journey Grampy. I will love you and miss you forever.

You've always been an amazing person.

At my current job... Well my past 3 jobs actually. I am surrounded with people loosing loved ones. It's really hard to imagine loosing someone like a signifigant other that you've had for 60 plus years. Or a child, or a mother, or a father. I'm finding that I need to keep reminding myself that the people that I enjoy seeing, thye ones that come in all the time, are here for a reason. More and more I find are no longer coming in... Its really sad. I wish i could say that I knew they were in a better place. But no one knows for sure. Death is and always will be scary. So there.

On a happier note, I'm still smitten. <3
I'm still no longer a smoker.
I still don't eat meat.
I'm exercising more.
I'm a happy lady.

I will say though I have been having a harder and harder time dealing with people in my life being drug addict dirt bags. I have no tolerance for them and have been doing a good job removing them from my life. The one that I forgave, (yet again) that lives with me, is back again. Weakness prevails. Apparently her daughter, mother, father, sisters, brother, friends, life, doesn't really matter to her. I don't understand, and never will. I don't think I can forgive her again, and she's just going to have to deal with it.

Addiction is a weakness, not a disability. Get off your ass and take care of your self. And remember that drug addiction doesn't only effect you, it affects EVERYONE that cares about you, or in this case that you have to, well should be caring for. Nuff said.

Hello smitten kitten

Right before the holidays hit I was feeling a little lonely. I wasn't too unhappy seeing as I'm very particular about people now after what I've gone through with my ex, but still a little lonely. Then go figure, I met this boy! where you ask... of all places a bar. Ugh BUT turns out he isn't a usual bar goer and was just out for a night with his friends to celebrate Jason's newest job on the fire dept. (Kudos buddy!) The best part is the reason I met him was because the friends he was with are also mine, and convinced me to stay! Its been going to so well! He's is definitely a lot different then I am, but its working so far. He's the type of person to push you to go for what you want and really seems to have his life in order. I'm jealous of him in that aspect and used to feel very intimidated,but now I just feel compelled to do more with my own life. He is subliminally making me ambitious. So far with him there is no signs of any problems or things that bother me. I'm hoping he feels the same way, because every time I'm with him I feel happy. Not hollow like I used to with other folk.
I wish I could explain to you how much this simply meeting some one good means to me. I had started to feel as if the majority of goodness and general humanity that people once had was gone almost altogether. Not with him though! I'm glad that we hit it off and everything, and I'm not just blabbing because of this fact, but I truly am happy that there are people that still care about things and have morals or dreams to follow and plans to achieve them. Its nice to see that, as a reminder. That no matter how dark the world can seem, or cruel people can be. There will always be some one, some where fighting with true passion in their hearts to be good and honest and noble. Maybe not in ways that you would go about it, or doing things that you are more apt to gravitate towards but in a positive direction none the less. To make a good change, or simply to be a good person. These things may seem trivial to you or nonsense to most but these are things that really are important. Simple, but in actuality a true test of character. Don't get me wrong I feel very lucky that we both have feeling for each other, (plus I get smooches!!) But if nothing works out in the long run, which I'm hoping isn't true, I can honestly say that jsut simply meeting him has made a difference in my life. For the better too!
Whoa, Dood? I'm a wicked sap...

Until next time...
renee

Well Well well.... I'm totally working.... and its Wednesday... aka... my day off. lol JK Lisa Pope! i love you. but i must say that last night i was watching a tv show that my landlord (in so many words) was making me watch (or i was not crying enough to move from my beer and company to care that much) and there was a little old lady, about 76 i think she said. She was in an American Idol sort of talent show with Nick Cannon as the host...(seriously?) Either way back to the point, this little old lady was in the Semi-Finals (Woot!) and she was giving her little story and a portion of her story was really upsetting, she had been a widow for quite a long time. Then i immediately thought of my job... you could not ever imagine how many widowed, elderly people there are, lonely, divorced, no children, no people to notify in case they passed or got slammed by a car or struck by lightning. This is honestly strange sight to see, loneliness wrinkles their face, and sadness makes them weak and just not care. I can't imagine my life like that. I just don't think i could handle it.

I know Whaa whaa thats what happens when you get old, but its literally being shoved into my face everyday, i dont really know what i would do with out these people that i love in my life, and what happens if i get married and fall in love, what if i died and left that person all wrinkled and sad. I hate the fact that every one gets old, decrepit and sick... its really sad working here. Thank god there are occasional babies hahaha

if i could only get you ocean side

I would first off like to thank Lisa pope for a wonderful "shout out" you are also a great new friend and i really value your opinion and genuine character! Thanks and i cant wait to see where this friendship will go!!!

Today i moved alot of my things to my dad's i cant wait to get there, for real. Get home after a long day at work, have some dinner, throw back a cold one then jump into the hot tub... try to be jealous! Not to mention the fact that i will be saving money and have a room to myself and have wonderful people around me! Not that i dont at the moment but i have to share a room with a 16 year old and like 9 dogs and 8 cats... not really what i need at the moment. but i still love my buddies here and will most def visit!!! i cant really be away from pup[pies lol hahaha. I'm so tired lame post i know, sorry. annnnnnnddddd good night.

Mmmmm bop mm mmmmmm bop

Well, well. I'm actually blogging, we'll see how this goes! Thanks to my new dear friend Lisa pope i have now started my new blog!

I feel as if i should give you all a brief overview of my current standings. I've just been through alot in my life with family and work and money (ugh) and friends and things that i usually don't want to get into but i had no choice really. Who does when things go sour? So i had some family members of mine recently go into the hospital both on life support. Its a horrible thing to go through for a family member, but to see the strength of your family come out is truly astounding, enough to make you take a step back and realize how Strong love truly is. But these kind of event also make you think of the big picture... the ever going picture, and for me when all this was starting to end and everyone is almost all better... all i could think of is one question... Is god real? Good question huh. especially for a self proclaimed Atheist. I hate to offend anyone but this is just the way that my head works, i will never knock anybody for their beliefs these are just mine. I came to the verdict a while ago that everything happens for a reason, but when you see someone like my cousin Brianna go through what she has had to her whole life i really cant make sense of it. I just don't think this 18 year old talented girl with a voice that will legit knock your socks off and ambition to boot, has to 'feel the wrath' so to speak. But thats quite enough on that topic, i could really go on for days. But any who. Every one is ok for now (heath wise) we are still all trying to take a deep breath after holding it for months.

I also had some new feelings on friends in general. trusting and truly loving them. Its always the ones you let in the most that crush you the hardest, and then when it happens who do you turn to? Thats far behind me now but I'll never forget these things, i really wish i could. Thats the thing about my mind though if you effect me in anyway positive or negative i will never forget. But always forgive and just know how to read you better. Thats it. thats all you can do unless you want to be lonely. I always give people 2nd 3rd and 4th chances, no doubt i've needed them myself, i certainly am not a saint! Every one messes up, drops the ball, or trips, you have to roll with the punches and learn from yours and others mistakes.

But thats just it! I have recently met someone i have not known to be true or allowed in my life since high school. This person just blows my mind, to me you are a good person until proven guilty one 4 accounts... this person may have trumped that just from opening her mouth in one day. I dont appreciate when people are hurtful for no reason to people that i care about or people in general and make it known. its not nice. but i wont speak her name because thats not right either. right?

Any whooooo enough on the bad things is suppose, even though it usually is the reason why people write.. or blog or what have you. I am soon to be moving into my fathers house! I am so excited! i havent lived with my dad except for on the weekends since i was a wee tot, maybe four? He has a beautiful house in agawam and an amazing family! Its really going to be a blast. I went to his house yesterday to meet all of his work friends for a cook outy thing, and they are soooo fun and seem like really truly amazing people! I hope we can all get to know each other better! they are just a blast! Not to mention the fact that they were all so excited to meet me! Awesome!!! very welcoming people! My dad has got to be one of the most amazing talented people i have ever met!

but on a side note... I'm effin lonely i think. I'm totally ok with my life right now and i have yet to get myself in "the game" but I dont want to loose myself again. It seems like when i am in a relationship i give my EVERYTHING to it. not cool, i really wish i could take my own advice sometimes and stop. Its ridiculous. When i was in my last relationship i didnt paint, didnt draw, didnt read, i didnt even really care about music! Ew blasphemy! I'm not saying im exactly looking for anything, but if it happens im not opposed to it entirely. but if anything did happen i want to take it slow... real slow. Weird for me, not saying im a big whore or anything like that. But just not the way i do most things. Will power has never really been one of my strong points!

Well enough blabbing for me! Nighters!